Transcript

Comedian Jeff Allen’s Nerve-Wracking Moment on America’s Got Talent

[0:01] Hello, friends. Welcome to another episode of Tell Us a Good Story.
[0:04] Folks, imagine being a professional comedian and you are on the TV show America’s Got Talent performing in front of Simon Cowell.
And when you get on the stage, all of a sudden you can’t remember your jokes.
Your mind goes blank. What do you do? Uh, try not to panic.
Right. Well, that is exactly what happened to our next guest, professional comedian Jeff Allen.
You guys, Jeff had some great stories, including his first time on stage when he completely bombed Dealing with hecklers and how his family feels when he shares personal stories about them on stage and as you will hear we were so Impressed with how Jeff opened up in the second half of our conversation He talked about the mistakes he made earlier in his life with being a bad husband and father He was also an atheist who did not believe in God and intentionally stayed away from Christians That is until we met a Christian man who had something he wanted access to the best golf courses around you guys We can’t wait for you here this conversation with comedian Jeff Allen.

Overcoming Adversity: From Electrocution to Cancer Diagnosis

[1:04] I’m Kevin and I’m Stephanie and during our marriage We have dealt with an electrocution a brain tumor brain surgery then doctors telling us that children were not in our future, Followed by miscarriage and then Kevin’s cancer diagnosis, However today we live a life completely healed and restored with three healthy children who doctors said were not possible and we’re here to tell stories that inspire, give hope, and brighten your day.
Welcome to Tell us a Good Story.

Introduction and Reminder to Subscribe and Share

[1:33] Okay, friends, before we get to this episode, just a friendly reminder to please hit the subscribe button on YouTube and Apple podcast or give us a review.
Five stars, please. In our world, this is super, super important because it will help with the algorithm to make it easier for people to find us.
And thank you for sharing our post across your social media.
That really helps with engagement and with us getting guests. Yes.
So, hey, if you want us to keep working our way up to talking to Chip and Joanna, please share us with your friends.
But regardless, thank you for listening to tell us a good story.
Steph, are you ready to have fun? Oh, I’m ready to laugh. I have so many questions for him. I’m so excited.
Well, friends, our next guest is in his fifth decade as a professional comedian.
He recently filmed his third comedy special for Dry Bar Comedy, which has now surpassed 700 million views on Facebook and YouTube.

[2:27] And his second book titled Are We There Yet was released on September 5th and immediately became an Amazon number one bestseller on the same day.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to tell us a good story, Mr. Jeff Allen.
Oh, Jeff. Hey. I’m so excited. It’s nice to be here. I’m bleeding to death, but that’s okay.
Don’t worry about it.
I’m fine. I’m fine. Totally fine. No big deal.
Well, for listeners who are not viewing this, Jeff came on here, the Zoom call with us and and was bleeding and is blaming it on his wife.
But actually I believe it is, you cut yourself shaving. New razor. New razor.
Every time I put a new, I should have known better.
Hopefully it’ll stop before I pass out.

[3:07] Well, thank you for saying yes to us. Hey, I have a question. Yes.
700 million views. No kidding. That might be a little high.
The last I heard it was at 400, and I don’t know, I don’t keep track of these things.
So if the publicist sent it to you.
It may be true, I don’t know. What’s going through your mind though? That’s phenomenal.
Well, it’s amazing to me at my age, I’ve been around since 1978, and it’s interesting reading the comments on Facebook and Instagram.
Where did he come from? He’s old, so did he just start a latent life?

[3:47] I had a 20, 25 year body of work to put out there. So, um, when I hired a social media guy, he says, man, you’re one of the best clients I’ve had. He says, most guys are just starting out.
They, they get a video that goes viral and then they got nothing to follow it up with.
But it’s interesting because some of the videos are 20 years old and I have a full head of hair and you read the comments, no, he’s old now. This isn’t him.
He’s old. He’s bald. You know, they’re brutal. I had one guy say I was Tim Allen’s father.
I go, that’s, that’s not kind, you know? First of all, he’s three years older than me, but do I look that much older than him? You know, I don’t know.
Well, you’re probably the busiest you’ve ever been with everything going on right now. It’s amazing.

Jeff Allen’s Busy Schedule and Wife’s Involvement

[4:32] Yeah, it’s interesting. I told my manager when things clicked, I said, Tammy will determine, my wife, will determine the number of dates I take.

[4:41] Based on the book we just wrote. We had some issues.
I was in an IRS audit, and he says, “‘How many days are you on the road?’, I said, “‘I don’t know, it’s on the sheet.'” and I looked, it was 228 days. Oh my gosh.
It just is a balancing act between how much I am gone and how much she misses, you know?
And I’ve often said that God gave me the right woman.
You know, not many wives could live the life we’ve lived as far as the travel and not being home, so.
So as a comedian, does your wife think you’re funny?
Because as a normal guy, my wife does not think I’m funny at all.
Oh, he’s not funny. There’s a reason.
He’s just not funny, Jeff. Well, it’s funny to me, because I fell in love with her laugh.
I opened the book with, I proposed to her.
I met her at a comedy club, and she was a waitress, and I fell in love with her laugh before I even met her or saw her.

[5:36] I just, 37 years ago, she was a smoker, and smokers have the best laughs to comic.
You know, when you cannot get oxygen in your lungs, that’s music to a comic.
You know, and the gagging, gasping, wheezing, the noise, the rest of the population is a joyful symphony of noise to a comic. So I’m on stage and I hear the, you know, and I’m like, that’s a woman. I got to meet her. So I think she thought I was funny. And then after being married to me for a while, you know, she wasn’t laughing a whole lot. And then now I think, yeah, I think I make her laugh. She makes me laugh probably more than and I made it through the left.

[6:11] Is it hard for her or your sons to hear jokes about them on stage or like their personal life?

Family’s Reaction to Jokes About Them

[6:17] Is it bother them or they’re like dad, please don’t say that. Don’t joke about, Not at all it was interesting they would fight about who the story was about they would argue really it was about you No, that was about you. That was you did that and you know, like the camping store I did years ago My son went to camp and Tammy packed them with seven pair of underwear I’ll fold it up.” And he came home a week later with a six-folded clean pair of underwear.
I go, you didn’t change your underwear for a week? He goes, well, no, we swam every day.
And I go, I can’t imagine how much chlorine you need with 32 adolescent boys to keep that.
It was like a salmonella pool or something. I don’t know.
But they argued. He goes, that was about you? He goes, Aaron said, I never went to camp.
And Ryan goes, well, that one was about me.
So, Jeff, what was your first time on stage like?

[7:08] Awful. Awful. Awful. My brother was a musician and he was doing a show in Chicago.
I was 16 and some comics opened for him.
And I thought, gosh, I would love to do that. But how do you do that?
I mean, it wasn’t like today where they have schools and stuff you can go to.
And it’s not like high school had a table set up for standup comics for career day, you know?
So I just put it in the back of my mind if it ever comes across.
So six years later, I was working at a jewelry company in Chicago, and after they’re setting up the show, some guys go, we’re gonna go to the comedy cottage. And I said, what’s that?
That’s where comedians get up. And I was like, whoa, wow, where’s this?
So I hung out there for three months before I worked the courage up to try, I was there every night for three months, hanging at the bar and meeting the guys.
And anyway, open mic night, Thanksgiving night, 1978, I go up on stage, everybody comes out because they know me and now they’ve been waiting for me. They knew I wanted to do it.

[8:07] And I drew a blank. I didn’t prepare, I didn’t know you prepared stuff.
I didn’t prepare a thing.
I just thought comics went up and talked about their day. And I had done some magic, so I tried to do a magic trick.
My hands were shaking, I dropped everything.
I mean, it was awful. I went home, I had tears, I cried, I was humiliated.
And two nights later, I was back Sunday night for an open mic night, and the MC came over to me and said, you’re gonna have to make some sense tonight. But you said Sunday, we’re still trying to figure out she said Thursday night.

Finding Truth and Angst in Comedy

[8:40] So what was the first joke then that killed? Do you remember?
I’ll tell you the first joke I got to laugh with. I had a 68 VW bug and I had to park it on a hill because I couldn’t afford to change the start, get a starter for it.
So I had to park it on a hill, run it down the hill, hop in, pop the clutch, and go.

[8:58] So one night it broke down about a mile from the club and I ran on the last mile to make my set.
I walk in, I’m sweating, I’m angry. I hit the stage and I just start spewing about this VW bug.
I go, anybody own one of these? I bought three because I couldn’t believe what pieces of garbage the first two I got were. If you’re lucky enough to get the heater working, it’ll burn every hair right off your ankle. It’s like driving around with a flame thrower on the on a floorboard, the defrost system is your breath in a rag.
You know, I just was tearing a horn, ee, ee, ee, ee, you know, people are like looking around.
Anyway, I realized at some point they’re laughing.
Holy cow, I’m getting laughs on truth and on angst. And that’s when it hit me that comedy was truth and angst.
And people, if they can relate to your truth and your angst, they’ll laugh about it.

[9:47] Because we laugh at pain in America. I mean, it’s tragedy plus time is the definition of comedy.
Is your comedy, are you interacting more with the crowd or you have a standard set that you do?
I do a standard set. Years ago, on more than one occasion, I almost got beat up by people.
And I realized, I don’t know if it was my attitude or just. So anyway, I think, I do an hour and a half pretty much every night.
So I could take 10 minutes in there and just start talking to the crowd.
Yeah, then do you have a good heckler story, Jeff? Oh my gosh, yeah, I had a guy, it was his girlfriend, I mean wife or girlfriend was sitting in front of him. She’s laughing, he’s glaring at me, the whole show, arms crossed, glaring at me.

[10:29] So he goes to the bathroom and he comes back and I said, boy, I sure hope you peed that attitude out of yourself.
And he gives me the finger and he points at me.
So then of course, I go, what’s it like going out with a time bomb, this guy must be a joy to be with.
Oh, he was just livid.
And he waited around in the parking lot for 45 minutes, pacing like a caged cat.
Told the club owner. I’m not going out there. He’s a heck of a lot more motivated than I am.

The Relaxed Side of Jeff and Funny Encounters with Fans

[11:01] Parking lot was some idiot So anyway, that’s that was the last time really, Okay, when you travel when you meet comedy store managers Are they expecting you to be funny like right off the line or are you more like relaxed until you get on stage?
Oh, I relax till I get on But it’s interesting. I played golf with guys like for almost two years before they knew I did comedy really Yeah, again, it’s so funny women. They say a woman can play golf with somebody She doesn’t know and by the end of the round their lifelong friends. They know everything about each other, And I golf with a guy for almost five years and then we were getting together for dinner with the wives and Tammy says What’s his wife’s name? I go, you know, I don’t know. I never asked And she says do they know my name? I said the whole world knows your name, baby Yeah, I didn’t even bother to ask, you know, I finally got to dinner, you know, country, what’s your wife’s name?

[11:55] But anyway, finally, somebody said, By the way, what do you do?
It’s like, after two years, I go, I’m a stand up comic. And they were shocked.
They were like, What, you? You’re not that funny. Well, Jeff, I was thinking about you, right?
Like, as a comedian, after shows, do people come up to you and try to tell you their joke, or ask you like, Hey, am I funny?
What do you think? Does that happen at all? Well, they don’t try to ask me if I think they’re funny, but they do tell me. It’s usually the husband, and the wife backs up and starts rolling her eyes.
And yeah, and every now and then someone will give me a version of a standup bit that’s not a joke joke that I think, you know, I could use.
I got a line from a woman one night that I use, and I said, is that yours?
She goes, yeah. I said, can I have it? She says, oh, sure.
It was a very funny line about kale chips. She said, cook them in coconut oil. They slide into the trash so much easier.

Steph’s Favorite Book and Shameless Book Promotion

[12:56] That’s like one time out of five decades of career.
All right, Steph, I’m going to test you again here. What is your favorite book of all time?
Obviously, it’s the Bible, Kevin.
Yes. Nailed it. Very good. This time you didn’t say the book we wrote called You Met Her Where.
But it’s still a really good book.
That is true. And it would make a great gift for friends or relatives on their birthday or for Christmas. Friends, you can order your copy of our book titled, You Met Her Where? at kevinandsteph.com.
And we will make sure to personally sign a copy for you or whoever you want.
And as always, thank you for listening to Tell Us A Good Story.

[13:33] All right, Jeff. So for all of our guests, I like to give a list of fun facts to let listeners know what you’ve done, what you’ve accomplished, and my wife as well. So Steph is not aware of any of of these, Jeff. So you’re going to see her genuine reaction to these. And this is going to kind of start some good stories as well. So I’m going to brag on you here for a minute.
But if I miss any of these, if I’m not accurate, please let me know. Okay. All right, Steph, here we go. Fun fact number one, Jeff has appeared everywhere on Comedy Central, Showtime, TBN, CBN, Dry Bar Comedy, where he’s their most viewed comedian.
America’s Got Talent, HBO, Amazon Prime, Huckabee, Pure Flix, VH1, The Grand Ole Opry.
What?! So, I could go on, but I’ll stop here. America’s Got Talent.
I’m going to tell you the story about America’s Got Talent. Please, please.
I went in to do the audition. First of all, I was supposed to do it before COVID.
Okay. COVID hit on Saturday. Monday, we were flying to LA, Tammy and I, to tape the audition.
And they call on Saturday and say they’re pulling the plug. They’re not doing any more live tapings because of COVID.
So I thought, well, it’s over. I mean, at my age, and I was lucky enough to get asked.
And then the following year, my manager calls me in January and says, they’ve got a spot for you in March if you want to do it. I said, sure.

[14:54] Now, I should tell you, I’ll preface it all. I have always had a hard time with auditions, always.
I have a hard time with script, my memory. And again, if you’re doing something by memorizing it, and you get to a point where you can’t remember a word, it may take three seconds to get the word, but by then your rhythm’s off, then my panic button hits because I’m out of rhythm.
Happens a lot. I mean, when I did Letterman auditions and I did Tonight Show auditions, and plus I tell stories, which are long, and they want you to hit- Quick.
In two minutes, and AGT was 90 seconds.
So in 90 seconds- Oh, jeez. I want you to hit three different topics or four different topics, and I’d rather just do one story for 90 seconds with three or four punchlines in it, but they don’t want that.
So they edited a set for me out of my material.
They just took what they liked. We sent them ours, and they picked this particular 90 seconds, and I rehearsed it. I was ready.
So anyway, I get up there and I start, and I do line one, line two, line three is gone.
I can’t remember the third line. Oh no.
Yeah, but it’s taping. So I stop and I say to Simon Cowell, I said, I just had a brain freeze.

[16:06] And he says, absolutely, don’t worry about it. It happens a lot more than you think.
So just get your thoughts. Let’s start over. So anyway, I start line one, line two, three. I can’t remember it. Can’t remember my third line. So now I’m panicking and I’m I’m standing there and then Simon Cowell says, would water help you?
I mean, and I’m thinking anything that’ll buy me some time.
So Cruz, Terry Cruz coming across the stage, nicest guy you’d ever want to meet.
So anyway, he’s co-walking across with a bottle of water and I’m thinking, what is that stupid line?
Stupid, I can’t remember it.
And then I take a sip of water and the line comes to me.

[16:44] Finally, I got it. So I do my 90 seconds. They give me all four yeses.
They go, yes, yes, yes.
Now I’m jacked. I mean, I am jacked. We’re high-fiving me and Terry, and he’s hugging me.
You did it, you did it, man, you did it. How cool is that? A lot of guys freeze like you did, but you hung in there, man, you finished it, man.
How cool is that? You got the four yeses, how does it feel?
I said, it feels great. Now some producer comes over and says, will you call Tammy on FaceTime? We want to film her reaction.
And I look at my watch and go, it’s 7.30 in Nashville. She’s asleep.
She goes to bed in the spring and it gets dark at 5, 5.30, she puts the chickens to bed.
So sure enough I call home, it’s pitch black, she picks up, what is it, and I go, I got them baby, I got them, four yeses. She goes, for real, I go, for real. She goes, oh my God.
And then she starts crying.

[17:38] She says, we waited so long for this. And then I react to her and I start crying.

[17:45] And the whole time there’s a camera from NBC over my shoulder.
And I’m thinking my friends are going to be merciless with this.
They’re not going to let me forget this. I got a three-foot putt.
They’re going to go, you want to take a break? We know you’ve never done this before, either, made a three-footer.
So anyway, they tell me when I’m signing the release papers that they’re just going to the live.
A hundred acts down to 32 and I immediately figured I’m not going to get it.
I mean I froze twice you know and there were some other things we you know we can talk about but anyway they called a couple months later and said the judge has passed on your, audition and in hindsight you know after the book come out and and stuff we probably thought it was a better that it didn’t because of the culture the way it is there’s some things in the book that if they wanted to, they could go after me about not flattering things about me as a husband and a father.
Which we’ll get to. We will get to that.

Performances at the Grand Ole Opry and Reading the Audience

[18:43] So Grand Old Opry, what is it like to perform there, Jeff? That’s someplace we would love to go somewhere.
Wow. I mean, someday, but what was that like?
Well, it was amazing. I go back when we moved to Nashville.
One of my friends used to manage an artist named Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant.
He became a good friend of mine. So he was handling Gary Chapman, a singer, who was doing a weekly show or a monthly show at the Ryman Auditorium.

[19:10] So anyway, I’m backstage. I just moved to Nashville and my buddy comes over.
He goes, hey, you want to do five minutes at the Ryman?
And just, I walked off, Tammy was in tears. I mean, she was just like, holy cow, you know who has been on that stage?
Elvis has been on that stage, Johnny Cash.
I mean, name an artist at the Ryman. I mean, that used to be the original Grand Ole Opry.
So that was like, it’s my dream. I think next year we’re trying to book the Ryman for a show for me. I’m gonna risk trying to sell out the Ryman.
Next year, if we can get in. It’s a very busy venue. But the first time at the Opry, knowing the history, I grew up in a small town on the south side of Chicago, and they were a big country music town. I used to say they worship Johnny Cash at some of the churches in our town.

[20:00] So they used to listen to the Grand Ole Opry on Saturdays. So to get there was a big thing. thing.
So how long in a set, Jeff, until you know, this is a good audience or this is a bad audience?
I got to really work here to try to turn them around.
How far into it do you know? Two minutes. Really?
Well, now, I’m in a different place in my career now. The audiences, they’re familiar with me.
They’re usually fans. They know what they’re getting.
Specifically came. I mean, I’ve had people drive three, four, five hours to come see a show.
So, it’s heartwarming, but it’s a different vibe altogether than what I did the first 40 years of my career, where I had to earn them. I had to gain their respect. Corporate’s still hard.

Introducing Jeff as a comedian with personal life experiences

[20:50] You’re walking out cold, but you deliver a couple lines and you know if they’re on the same Wavelength you are is with satire and you know, I used to do a joke open my show. I said I would tell about myself I know you don’t know who I am. So I’ll tell you a little bit about myself. I’m 67 years old I’m married for 37 years got two grown boys for grandchildren some things more personal I’m a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, 30 years ago We filed bankruptcy lost everything and then 27 years ago my wife said if things don’t improve in our marriage she’s gonna file for divorce.
And I tell you this because I draw my comedy from my life experience.
And that’s a few of the highlights we’ll cover tonight.
Alcoholism, bankruptcy, and divorce. So strap on your fun hats, folks.
Mr. Sunshine is here to cheer you up.
And if they laughed at that, then we were good. Then we were good because they got the joke.

[21:46] Jeff, what is one of the most asked questions we get about, tell us a good story?
Do I really get that excited?
Besides that one. Oh, how do we get all these incredible guests correct and some of our best conversations have been with guests who our listeners have reached Out to us and said you should talk to this person to name just a few Nick voyage, Itch coach Tom Ryan Carol Motyka were all recommendations from our listeners So if there’s someone you would like us to interview and think they might be a great fit for tell us a good story Please let us know at Kevin and Steph calm. You don’t even have to personally know them true But do me a favor before you submit their names please make sure they are still alive.
That has actually happened and it is super hard for me to find their contact information.
But regardless, thank you for listening to Tell Us a Good Story.

[22:34] So Jeff’s stuff is regarded as one of the premier clean comedians working today.
And I love that, by the way. I love that you’re so clean.
God bless you for that. Most of his humor centers on marriage and living with kids, which pretty much everyone can relate to. Yes.
So, Jeff, being labeled as a clean comic, is that like having a scarlet letter in the comedy world? Or do people even care?
Like if you’re funny, you’re funny. Like how does that work?
Well, we don’t, I don’t think we promoted for years. We never promoted it as a clean show.
We just promoted it as very funny. It’s a funny show.
And it’s funny doing corporate. I’ll have people come over and go, holy cow, you didn’t swear once.
That’s amazing. I was.
You know, and I go, yeah, my wife would punch me if I, you know.
Was that a conscious effort to come out as a clean comic or were you, you know, not clean at the beginning and then decided to switch roles?
Well, I write about this in our book.
Our fourth grade son, we got called out of school because he cussed at his teacher.

[23:38] So you know, we’re sitting as parents across, she couldn’t even repeat what he said, she was embarrassed to say it.
And I said, I’d love to look you in the eye and tell you I have no idea where that child heard that kind of language.
So anyway, driving home, we kind of had a conversation. He said, it’s not really attractive, when your fourth grade son repeats.
So we decided to make an effort and lead by example.
And then I wondered if I could clean up my show. I’m a storyteller.
And it really made me a better storyteller to get a thesaurus out.
My material was kind of what I do now. It was just laced with profanity.
And then I read a quote, I think it was Eugene Debs said, that profanity gives people permission not to hear what you have to say.

[24:20] But I really think about a year and a half later, I committed my life to Christ.
And I’m sorry, the ball squeaking, did you hear that?
We did. That’s our dog. She just loves balls.
And she wants to know why you don’t want to talk to her.

Jeff’s experiences performing for the troops and its impact on his son

[24:34] Okay, next fun fact.
All right, Jeff has performed for a lot of corporate events like you just mentioned, such as Sam’s Club, Chick-fil-A.
He’s also performed for our troop staff on aircraft carriers and ships in the Indian Ocean.
So Jeff, what was that experience like then, performing for the troops?
Well, it was the best and the worst. I got my son to come with me to Bahrain.
We flew across the world, and he was in high school at the time.
So to travel with my son and land on an aircraft carrier.

[25:08] The downside was it was a warship. We had just invaded Afghanistan, so the ship was sending night ops out to Afghanistan for bombing missions. Whoever put me on that ship probably, lost their job. They were not happy that two civilians were on a warship. They were not happy about it. And it was hard, difficult shows. I mean, they put a microphone in the cafeteria and just said, start doing your comedy. I mean, they’re big line getting food.
So my son said to me that for after the first show he goes, I’ve never seen you bomb like this.
I go, well, get used to it because I have a feeling it’s going to be like this all week.
But we did get helicoptered off to a cruiser ship and they never get entertainment ever.
So I was treated like a king. The captain of the ship gave me his quarters for the night.

[25:56] And we worked the cafeteria for there, but they were all seated facing the stage, and just great audience just really appreciative and then we did a show at a secret base and it was the Air Force and I told my son you need to join the Air Force they had air conditioning wood floors they had chefs Wow even the Navy told him to join the Air Force they got all the money toys so and then my son joined the army probably a year and a half later really yeah he’d served six with the 101st Airborne, and we’re proud of his service.
Good for him. Oh, God bless him. Do you think your tour had anything to do with that?
Yeah, he wanted to quit school after 9-11.
He came to us and said, I’m joining the Army.
I said, you’re finishing school, and then, believe me, the war’s not going anywhere.
And yeah, he signed up right away.

[26:55] All right, Seth, final fun fact. Jeff’s second book.
I, Tammy just reminded me of, um, I opened for James Brown, really at the Ryman.

James Brown’s Epic Performance at the Ryman

[27:06] Did the set, you know, get off. James Brown hits the stage.
Never saw him before before. The most awesome 20 minute opening I’ve ever heard. Had a complete brass section. He’s 72 and he’s dancing, sweat flying and he’s singing. And I mean, it was church. Everybody was on their feet. It’s the rhyming, they’re stomping, they’re stomping, they’re cheering. And at 20 minutes, he says, whatever he said, he can’t understand a word he He said, and then he leaves and some kid comes out and does a torn or restored newspaper trick.
I mean, you talk about letting the air out of a room, right?
The most real thing. And we’re all looking at each other.
I mean, you could see the backload behind the paper. He’s tearing and he’s doing, I mean, it was just totally out of place.

[27:56] So my manager says to me, he goes, it’s a good thing you gave up the magic because it really doesn’t play well.
Yeah, how would you follow that? I mean, nothing could follow that.
No energy. Yeah, I mean, it was just I mean, what I mean, it stunned the crowd.
Nobody was even heckling them. They were just stunned.
All right, Steph, final fun fact, Jeff’s second book titled Are We There Yet?
Shot to number one on Amazon’s bestseller list the day it was released on September, 5th. Jeff, can you tell us more about this book?
Because I love how open and honest you are, what you went through, right?
To just even save your marriage.
So can you tell us more about this book?
Well, the book opens, I proposed for, at the Cleveland Airport baggage claim, because I wanted the reader to fall in love with my romantic side, you know?
I was on a red eye and decided I wanted to ask her to marry me.
I had no ring, no plan. I asked her, I said, you know, I love you, I love you.
She had a two-year-old, Aaron, I adopted him.
But anyway, I said, you wanna get married? And she, pardon me, I said, you wanna get married?
You and I, so she knew who I was talking about. And she thought about it, and this is a direct quote, yeah, I guess if that’s what you want, you know? And we were engaged, that was it.
Believe me, if I could do it again, it would be completely different.
So anyway, we left and got married.

[29:26] We didn’t know each other. We met in November. I asked her to marry me in April.
And she got pregnant in May. We got married in July.
And I went from single and traveling 50 weeks a year to married and two kids inside a year.
Drinking, drugging, and we moved to Boston. And about a year into that, I share this in the book, this is one of the things we talked about about AGT.
Because my father asked me what got me sober. What was the catalyst?
For alcoholics to quit drinking, something profound has to happen, usually.
I mean, if life is good, you’re not gonna quit drinking.
So I spanked my six-month-old in the crib and Tammy came in the room and took him away from me, looked at me and said, who does this?

[30:10] And took him in the room and sat on the end of the bed and fed him and the shame that washed over me was just overwhelming.

[30:18] And the next day she took me to AA and they said pray I said to what certainly wouldn’t believe in God, They said we’ll find something to pray to I wanted to stay sober that night with my son scared me. I mean, Scared me. Okay what I was capable of.

[30:34] So I wanted to stay sober. I did what I was told I prayed two particular prayers, the serenity prayer, grant me the serenity, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
And then the third step prayer, that’s what they call it in the blue book.
God, remove me from the bondage of self so that I may better do thy will, take away my difficulties so that victory over them, others may bear witness to thy strength, thy power, and thy way of life.
And I prayed those prayers every day, multiple times a day. I mean, I was hanging on, you know, like most new recovery people.
You were an atheist at that time, correct? I was, I was an atheist.
And then, you know, again, the title Are We There Yet comes from, again, you know, if you picture the image of a child in the backseat of a car, you’re on a journey with your parents, they’re driving, they have an idea of where the destination is, but you have no clue, and you’re just constantly asking through the impatience of a child.
And that, to me, was recovery, and that’s what we share in the book, you know, Are We There Yet?
It’s just, am I there? I kept asking therapists, I kept asking sponsors in the program, when am I done?
When am I done with recovery? When am I recovered? They kept talking about a layer of an onion, you’re peeling an onion back, and all of this, and I go, well, I must have a huge onion because it’s just constant.

[31:54] And I think I’d make some progress and then I’d break and smash things and feel like I’m back at square one.
And the first half of the book is what we went through as a couple.
We moved every two years. They’re called geographical cures.

[32:09] Most people whose marriages are in trouble, they think if we just change locations, and it would be better for a little while. You got a new place, you got new people, but then the same old problems come back.
And then we’d move again. It was about every two years.
We moved from Boston to New Jersey, twice in New Jersey, then we moved to Arizona.
So we had three moves in six years in our marriage.
And then, uh, it’s no coincidence, you know, we fixed our marriage, Christ captured our heart, our home. And we’ve been in the same house now for 27 years.

[32:42] I want to know what brought you from atheism? Like, what was that pivotal moment?

[32:48] Well, they started with the prey, to what? They called it a higher power. And I just said, if I’m making up a deity that makes me delusional. So I started looking and I went to a therapist after an event. I did some things. I yelled and screamed at my wife and she sobs and I put my son to bed. He goes, Daddy, you win. I go, what do you mean I win? He goes, you yell, mommy cries, you win. That one of my prouder moments. So I went downstairs and told Tammy, I said, I’m going to to get help. I said, I don’t want to be this way. I got to change, you know. So I went to a therapist and she put books in my hands. I started reading self-help and then I eventually wound up on New Age Spiritualism, Buddhism. I discounted it as, okay, that’s not working. That’s not true. That’s not. And after seven years, God put a man in my life that was a Bible-believing Christian, but he had something I wanted, and it wasn’t the Bible and it wasn’t Christ. It was golf. He was a wealthy businessman who could get me on nice golf courses. So I’ve always said, God knows your heart. So if he had put a pastor in my path, I would have discounted him and said, yeah, my father told me to stay away from Christians. And I did. For whatever reason, I had a special place in my heart and animus towards Christians. So I didn’t want to talk to him or hear from him.

[34:12] So we’re on a golf course. I think I’m reading Ayn Rand now. I said, how do you accumulate wealth? Because I was broke. We were losing our house. We were bankrupt.
And I figured, okay, if it’s money, then I’ll make money. I mean, I’m going to be a capitalist or whatever. I need to make some money. So here’s this wealthy businessman. He knows how to make money. And he says, you don’t want a lot of money. I go, I don’t. He goes, you can’t handle what what little you have.
It would be a burden to you. Besides, you can’t even begin to enjoy the creation until you have a relationship with the one who created it.
And I thought, wow, that sounds neat. Where’d you read that?
He goes, the relationship is Jesus, it’s in the Bible.
And I went, oh, okay. Couple holes went by, he said something else.
I said, that’s great, where’d you read it? He goes, it’s in the Bible.
I said, stop it with the Bible.

Questioning the Relevance of the Bible

[34:55] And he goes, what do you mean? I go, well, who actually reads the Bible today?
I mean, you know, I don’t believe in God, let alone God’s divine word.
That’s a little archaic.
And he says, well, back up, what’s in the Bible you don’t think is true?
And I said, well, I’m an atheist, I don’t really believe in God.
And he said, I said, I never read the Bible. He goes, then you’re not really an atheist, you’re a moron.
And yeah, it’s funny now, but it’s like, you know, and he went on to explain to me, you know, it’s the most influential book in the history of the world.
Western civilization is certainly the moral foundation of our civilization is built on that book.
And you can’t even crack it open. I mean, that’s lazy and moronic.

[35:32] So at least open it, study it, and then come to some conclusion that you don’t believe it.
But for gosh sakes, to ignore it is foolish.
So he signed me up for some Bible tapes from a church in Texas, Tom Nelson’s church, Denton Bible.
And I collected them for about a year, maybe over a year, never opened one up.
And we had a really good friendship, mostly around golf, politics, and what guys talk about.
And he ended every conversation with, how are you and Tammy doing?
We pray for your marriage. And I’d go, why?
He goes, well, we’d like to see it succeed. Why? Well, we believe marriages are important to the health of a country.
And we just want to see you guys make it.
I said, all right, knock yourself out. I don’t care. You know, it didn’t mean anything to me.
And then eventually we were filled out divorce papers. We were 10 minutes from the courthouse to file those papers.
We had them notarized.
And Tammy has me pull over and she says, this is wrong. Let’s go home.

[36:30] And I looked at her and said, you’re out. She says, what do you mean?
I go, you deserve better than me.
I loved her, I did. I just felt I was damaged goods.
My brother was like me, my father was like me. I just couldn’t stop.
Eventually I smashed things.
And I looked at her, I said, I love you. I really love you, Tim.
But again, you gave me seven, at this point, seven years.
But I told her straight up, nobody will love those boys as much as I do.
But that’s what broke my heart more than anything.
I would think about, again, as a husband and wife, you know this, you lay in bed, certainly in the early years, when the kids hit a certain age, hey, we can travel together, we can go out by ourselves, do this and do that, what we were gonna do, and all these little plans that you make, and you’re laying there, I’m in a hotel by myself, and it’s just gone, it’s gone.
The thought of her not being part of my life would just break my heart.
And she said, no, let’s go home. And I said, if we go home, divorce is off the table.

[37:30] When we got married, we didn’t know each other. You’ve had seven years to get to know me, and you know what you’re getting when we go home. And I said, I’m trying. And again, in the book, are we there yet? I’m not there. And anyway, we go home and six months, I think she just grabs the kids. At this point in my life, I’m having a career crisis. I don’t want to do comedy anymore.
I have no skill outside of comedy. I mean, I really can’t do anything. So she grabs the kids and says, I’m going to Ohio for the summer to my parents’ house.
Figure out what you want to do with your adult life.

Finding Meaning in Ecclesiastes

[38:01] If you don’t want to do comedy, you got to do something. We’re losing the house.
We’re losing everything.

[38:06] She gathers up all these Bible tapes that have been coming for about a year now.
And she says, you’re going to listen to these things and throw them out.
I said, put them on the floor. I’ll listen to them. And again, in God’s time.
So one day, I’m walking by. Nobody’s home. I’m lonely. Anyway, I see the tapes. And I open one up.
And it was Ecclesiastes 1.1. It was a meaningless, meaningless, all in life was meaningless.
And I said, yes, that was my conclusions after a seven year search.
There’s nothing of this earth that’s lasting. It doesn’t last.
And to hear it come from a pastor and out of the Bible. And I thought that was such a deep, profound truth to me.
I don’t know if there’s another chapter in the Bible that would have spoke to me at that moment in my life like that.
I really don’t.
And realize you’re right. I bought all this stuff, I got all this stuff, and it just goes to the landfill.
That’s it. His conclusions at the end of the tape were life without God will have no meaning.
Without meaning, there’s no purpose. Without purpose, suicide.
And I said, yes. And I ripped open every envelope looking for more Ecclesiastes tapes.
And then it got to, I think, one of the sermons, the pastor’s conclusion.
He said, this is what he’s saying.
If happiness was an act of human will, we’d all be happy.

[39:21] Solomon says, it’s not human will. Something outside of us comes inside of us.
And then it works its way out into the form of service.
We’re wired for worship and service, two things.
You know, you want to be loved, you have to be loving, and you have to figure out what that looks like.
Well, the Bible’s very clear. In Ephesians, what a husband’s role is.
And I just soaked that book in. Just, she was gone, I had no work.
And I listened to just about a year and a half’s worth of tapes in two or three months.
And then I was in Texas in August. I started in June, so August I was at my friend’s house.
And we went to church, went to Tommy’s church. And when we went back to Phil’s house, he said, when I met you, God put it on my heart you were looking for something.
Have you found it? And then all I could think to say was, if Jesus is not who he said he was, then Solomon was right, I’m a dead man.
And that was 27 years ago, I guess now.
It was like overnight, you know, it’s almost as if Jesus said, you know, I’ve always been there just waiting for you and I had to exhaust all these other things.

[40:28] So looking back at all the stuff that you wrote, was it hard for your wife to read this book and kind of relive it and you to write it? How hard was that to do?
Well, in the last draft I gave to her, I said, you need to read this and be okay with my version of what we went through.
And she read the first two chapters and came to me and said, I can’t read anymore.
We were horrible people. And I said, that’s the beauty if you stick with it.
My friend, Andy Andrews wrote the foreword and he caught it.
I called him up. I said, you captured it.
You’re going to meet two couples in this book. Are we there yet?
You’re going to meet who we were when we got married.
And then you’re gonna meet who we were after Christ captured our heart and home.
And they’re two completely different people.

[41:16] If you like what you hear, please tell someone about us. As soon as this episode is over, go tell your spouse, your closest friend, a parent, a coworker, or share one of our posts on social media. However, if you don’t like what you’re hearing, please do not. Don’t tell anyone.
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Yep. Go on with your merry day. And to get more information about us our entire catalog of episodes, be sure to check us out at kevinandsteph.com.
Thank you for listening to Tell Us a Good Story.

[41:46] Well, listeners, for more information about Jeff, you can go to his website, jeffallencomedy.com.
Also on social media, Instagram, he’s jallencomedy, and on Facebook, he’s at jeffallencomedy.
So please go to his website and get his new book, Are We There Yet?
My journey from a messed up to meaningful life. And if you order it from his website, he’ll sign it for you at no additional charge. That’s awesome. Which is fantastic.
And he is currently on tour. His tour is titled, Are We There Yet?
Which actually, Steph, comes through Columbus in January. So Jeff, we’re in Columbus, Ohio.
So we obviously, we will need to get tickets, Steph, to that when he’s here in town. I love that.
Yeah, I usually do the Funny Bone once a year. I don’t know if that’s the venue or not, if we’re doing a church in Columbus. It is, it’s the Funnybone.
Oh, okay, great. Yeah, it’s one of my favorite venues. Well, Jeff, thank you so much for writing this book.
Yes, so important. I appreciate your being open and honest, because this can be incredibly helpful to a lot of marriages.
So thank you for doing that, and thank you for saying yes to us.
Oh, you’re welcome, man. I had a blast.
Thanks, Jeff. Did I stop bleeding? I’m done bleeding. You’re done bleeding, it’s all done. I’m healed.

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